Where there is desire, there is jealousy, potentially. Is it inevitable? As with most things it depends on who you ask? For the sake of argument and analysis let’s assume that it does. When is it most likely to occur, and because it is generally unpleasant, how do we avoid it?
A definition is in order, and it is also important to distinguish jealousy from envy.
Jealousy is:
- jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
- mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
Jealousy refers more to the fear of losing a person’s love, or less commonly losing an object, whereas envy has more to do with coveting something, or more often someone, that belongs to someone else.
Often, it starts in the family. Freud contended that it begins in early childhood or even infancy, when parental caregiving relationships are threatened by the pre-existing hierarchical parental dyad, or relational bond of the couple. Whether or not sexual and/or romantic aspirations with parental figures color the young child’s existence, it does appear that children resent attention and emotion that is expended on anyone other than themselves.
Enter sibling rivalry. Parents devote attention, and even affection, differentially. Though most claim to love their children equally, it’s quite likely that they love each child “differently.” Those differences will often contribute to perceptions, or reality, of parents valuing their children differently. So, children more likely than not enter adulthood, and courtship, with an inferiority complex or a highly fragile and unstable superiority complex. For a more detailed explanation of inferiority and superiority complexes check out the third hyperlink below.
All of this culminates in the formation and maintenance of fraternal and sometimes even more problematic romantic bonds. Whatever insecurity exists in friend groups vying for each other’s attention, or fear of losing friends, is typically magnified in monogamous, and often polyamorous, couplings. Relationships can seem under siege by a never ending stream of sexier, funnier, smarter, kinder mates. Invariably, sexual and emotional bonds in a relationship ebb, flow, and flag. On some level, we know that jealousy is an ineffective pursuit, ultimately unable to tame free will. Still, many of us cling to it with flimsy hopes that we can retain the ones we love via this consuming emotional alone. Paradoxically, jealousy, that secondary fear-based emotion, can be the nail in the coffin of an otherwise healthy and mutually satisfying relationship.
Simultaneously an achievement-based jealousy schema develops, often in education and often solidified in the workplace. The classroom, intentionally or not, often pits students against each other on a large scale, vying for a teacher’s limited validation. When financial livelihood and vocational fulfillment enter the picture, jealousy can really escalate. You’re overlooked, your apparently mediocre colleague gets a promotion and accolades. And you think, I could do better than that! And that’s the rut you’re stuck in, until you start pulling yourself out.
So is that it? No, argue Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, authors of the groundbreaking “Ethical Slut.” What then does “unlearning jealousy” entail? A lot of deliberate thought, effort, gentleness, and self care. Rethinking love as an infinite abundance rather than a scarcity to be allotted to one person alone. And just as importantly, maintaining relational parameters that reflect your values, boundaries and needs on a continuum between asexuality, monogamy, and nonmonogamy.
This is by no means the last word on jealousy! My hope is that I’ve shed a little light on the emotion and that it’s triggered some meaningful thoughts and actions.
“When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of that we would have no difficulty had arisen in the first place. So we strongly recommend that you and your partners give each other the profoundly bonding experience of sharing your vulnerabilities. We are all human, we are all vulnerable, and we all need validation.” - Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, “The Ethical Slut”
For more on jealousy check out:
- The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
- Mindset by Carol Dweck
- Psychodynamic Approach: How Freud's theories of the human psyche seek to explain the influence of our subconscious
- Dictionary,com: Definition of Jealousy
- The Inferiority and Superiority Complexes
- Outside Looking In: the best of the Gin Blossoms [CD]. (n.d.).